djhilikus’ blog

I've been thinking about this for the past couple weeks.. I can't really talk to anyone about it because it's embarrasing for me first of all, and secondly because i really doubt they'd understand. It hurts more than anything to get your heart broken.. Isn't that the biggest fear in relationships? I totally walked myself into heart break. I pretended to be someone i wasen't. I really didn't think i'd ever let myself fall for someone who didn't know who i actually was, but it happened.. I ended up falling in love with this "guy" who had no idea what I looked like. Our personalitys clicked with eachother so well. I've never met anyone in my SHORT life that i've lived, that was exactly like me in every sence. Each day I wanted to tell him, explain myself.. But i didn't have the heart to do it.. I know it was selfish of me not to tell him the truth.. But I couldn't. Weeks went by and we got closer and closer. Hours and hours on the phone.. I cost this poor guy over a grand in minute over darfts. He made me feel so special, and i could feel how much he loved me.. I was sent flowers on valentines day, since we couldn't obviously be "together". I know that he would've did anything for me.. And thats probably why this lasted so long... Week and months passed by, eachtime trying to come up with an excuse to not come see him..But if he knew the REAL me, god I would've been their in a heart beat.. Anyways, with each week came a new lie.. I was basically living 2 lives.. It was awful.. I really had no idea what to do. I didn't want to break his heart.. And I didn't want to string him along..When we'd talk, we had all these cute inside jokes.. We would set a TV movie date so that we could atleast watch the same thing at the same time.. Basically on the phone 24/7..  We'd actually fall asleep on the phone together. Finally my shit all caught up with me and I admitted to him everything in March. After that night we never talked again. And I've been replaying everything in my mind for the past 2 months. I didn't expect him to understand. I knew that he was going to think i'm some super crazy girl.. I always thought, well maybe if I was prettier he'd understand. I can't seem to find closure anywhere. You don't know true happieness if you've never experienced true saddness. I've experienced both thanks to him.. To be honest, I don't think this effects him anymore. I've talked to him a couple of times over aim, he seems like he's doing well with himself. I wouldn't want anything less..

Maybe just a piece of mind?

I really think this bud is making me like a mommy dropping her kid off on the first day of school. 

So anyway more on the interesting side.. I've been trying to kick addction for the past couple days.. I'm taking siboxen and xanex.. it's just so hard to wake up in the morning and feel like shit. Having your body ache, the runny nose and the sneezing.. I keep telling myself that my brother died doing what i'm doing now.. Life just seems so boring to me right now.. I have a boyfriend who I really care for, but i really don't think i can let myself love anyone again right now. I don't want to ruin something good.

i think i'm WAY to young to be doing the shit i am..

gewkgjwhneqky4y

Whose house (besides your own) were you in last and why?

Hahaha well yesterday is still very blurry. I was over at roaches house... I don't quite remember why i was there?? Ohwell i had to pick up my stash for the weekend... Well we ended up having this huge blunt rolling contest between me,roach and our friend matt. The contest contained of this; 20 dollars a b.i.g paper and grm of bubble gum kush... The judge had to go on looks,tightness and smoke.. We'll after smoking 3 blunts, we never really figured out the winner. Hahaha.

Today started out to be a horrible day.. I suppose it'll get better once i get my fucking phone charger out of arron's car. You know when your phone is completly charged no one calls/texts.. But when your phone is about to die and there is no charger in sight, mother marry and her fucking possy start blowing up your phone. Anyhow, i believe that if i get up and actually do something to keep myself busy besides smoking, i think i'll make it until 8:30 when my phone charger is getting dropped off. Also I got informed by one of my guys at K.K.Jtv about the HUGE mayday massive in tuscon on the 10th of may. I'm so fucking STOKED. There hasen't been a good massive out in az worth going to in a while.

p.s

this convo was GREAT

Mayday_4X6_FRONT-1

What is your definition of cheating?

My definiton of cheating is when you touch someone else the exact same way you touch your lover.. Kissing,Hugging all the above.. Some people that do cheat use the excuse of "I was so drunk that night i'm sorry baby"... That shit does not work for me. I spin about 4 days out of the week at clubs and I can see it first hand.. You know what your doing when you do it. It's already said and done with,. so if your going to cheat, at least be a man about it and fess up.. xo

okay so i haven't blogged on one of these things in a long time. Well i'm starting off fresh.. ek I know I should've did that on new years. But I guess it's better late than never... Starting back to school for my audio.. I went out the other night with my friend Danny.. We went into staples and bought 2 350gb external hard drives. WHICH Kick ass.. Now i just need to get back into my producing and atleast making some sort of effort to spin out in the clubs we have in AZ. I know the drum and bass scene out here is really low key.. So hopefully i find some good spots, hook up and make a couple friends. Anyhow today is 4/20.. I've been drooling all over myself for the past 3 hours. So eh, going to find something to do tonight.. Probably just hang out with dave and get our appartment together... P.S

I need some new dubplates like BAAAAAAAAD.

hit it up

hilikus420

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